Why Did I Choose to Wait Until Marriage to Kiss My Husband?
Everyone's story is different, but we all have something in common: we're wrapped in flesh. One thing I've come to know is that once the flesh has been awakened, you really need to be careful when dealing with the opposite sex. I often share a story of a relationship I was in when I was going through my first divorce. I had no clue what it meant to be abstinent, but I knew that fornication was a sin, so in my ignorance, I declared my abstinence and thought that was all I needed to do. I called up a friend of mine, and the two of us agreed that we wanted to abstain until marriage, so we agreed to be one another's accountability partner. I was so excited. For the first time in my life, I was about to try on abstinence. Spoiler Alert: It didn't work because I was ignorant of the devil's devices.
I'd met a guy who was also going through a divorce, and in my sin-filled mind, I'd managed to convince myself that dating him was not wrong; after all, we were both going through divorces. I was still living in the house that my ex and I once shared, and I didn't know how to be alone, so I allowed my new guy (we'll call him Troy) to come to my house. Big mistake. Troy was not the type of man I'd ordinarily go for, but I was lonely and I'd convinced myself that I needed to stop being so judgmental and just enjoy being with what I perceived to be a good man. Troy would come to my house every day because his job was in one city, but he lived in another city. He had to pass through my city every day on his way home from work, so he'd often stop by, eat whatever I'd cooked, and we'd watch television. I was so proud of myself because anytime Troy would come over to the house, I'd request that he sit on one end of the sectional sofa I had while I sat on the opposite end. We'd then watch television, and after the movie went off, we'd talk until we got tired. Troy would often spend the night sleeping on one end of the sectional while I slept on the other end. My accountability partner was losing her mind trying to get me to see the error of my ways. She didn't know what to do with me, and she'd often rebuke me for letting Troy sleep at my house, but I'd reassure her that nothing had happened and nothing would happen. I was truly floating on cloud nine without a clue.
One day, Troy came over and we repeated our normal routine. We talked, we ate, and we watched television. I wasn't too hungry on that day so I hadn't eaten a lot, but Troy enjoyed his food and set his plate on my coffee table. I then got up and took the plate to the kitchen, and then, I returned to the living room and sat back at the far end of the couch. Something was different that day and I could feel it. As I sat back down, Troy looked at me and began to question why I always sat so far away from him, and as usual, I boasted that I was a woman of God and the only man who would sleep with me would be married to me. Troy countered by telling me that he respected me and knew I was a woman of God. He said to me that I could sit close to him because he was also a man of God and he just wanted to hold me. After all, we were watching a horror movie and I was jumpy. I asked myself, "What harm could come from sitting next to him?" It couldn't be that hard to sit next to a man and not feel that awakening, right? After listening to Troy protest my distance a few more times, I finally got my uninformed self up and went towards him. I'd made up my mind.
What happened between Troy and I is common. I didn't know what it meant to be abstinent, celibate, or pure. I thought abstaining from sex was just that...refusing to have sex even though your body is strongly opposing you. I didn't know the strength of the flesh until Troy successfully landed that kiss on my forehead. I didn't understand why God said to flee (not walk away from) fornication until I found myself in a sexual relationship, dealing with the condemnation I felt for what I was doing, but struggling with those overwhelming urges to do it again. What happened was at that time, I'd met the strength of my flesh and the weakness of my convictions. The devil enjoyed watching me boast about being celibate because he knew that my love for God hadn't grown up to the point where I would put God's Word before my own lustful desires. The proof was me allowing a man in my home! That was evidence enough that I was ignorant of the walk I was trying to take.
After ending things with Troy, I restarted my celibacy walk, and five months later, I met the man who would be my second husband. Of course, a year later, I fell with him as well, and I tried to justify that fall with the fact that we were planning to get married. I thought my sin would pan out for me, I'd get what I wanted, and I'd finally be able to give God the daughter He needed me to be. This meant I didn't truly know God the way I should have known Him. I was obviously not yet ready to be any man's wife! I was still trying to work my way into His favor, and I thought that I could sin first and repent later. Nevertheless, God loved me so much that He woke me up in the first year of that marriage and handed me my assignment. With newly opened eyes, I cried out for His forgiveness because I'd learned to stop apologizing for having been a fornicator and an adulteress and I started repenting for having been a fornicator and an adulteress from within the depths of my new heart. I was truly sorry...finally. I wanted to make things right with God, so I continued to read His Word and get to know Him better. In getting to know Him, I came to know myself. I came to realize that no man could ever enter a successful relationship with me if he was not my God-ordained husband. Sure, we could get together and have some fun times, but eventually, the rib that I am would be bothersome to him; after all, I was no longer a broken woman looking for a man to validate her. I had become a woman of purpose who loved God more than she loved herself. I'd come to understand that even though I was married to the wrong man, I could still serve God and show Him how sorry I was for having been that rebellious daughter I once was.
Within the first year of that marriage, I knew I'd made a big mistake, and I'd repented to God over and over again. The more God used me to counsel and warn single women, the more I found myself wishing I could have a do-over and finally show God I could be the woman He designed me to be. Most women look at marriage and passionately desire to be married to prove themselves to their husbands, but not me. I was at the point where I passionately desired to be unmarried and prove myself to God. God arranged a meeting between myself and a woman who would become one of my closest friends, and at first, I thought I was in her life to help her. I didn't know God would use her to prepare me for the single life I was about to enter. I listened to her talk about her vow of purity and her reasoning for not wanting to kiss a man before marriage. I'd never heard anyone say they wouldn't kiss their guy before marriage, so I was fascinated with her stance. Nevertheless, the more I listened to her, the more it all made sense. Why should a woman kiss a man who has not committed himself to her as a husband? What's the purpose of kissing anyway? That's when I remembered what kissing had done to me and so many other women. Kissing is nothing but rated PG-13 foreplay, and it often leads to sex or fooling around. I started meditating on what I'd heard my friend say, and the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize how the enemy had set me up when I was still a babe in the Lord. He used my ignorance and my flesh as a weapon against me. He knows that flesh, in its normal state talks, thinks, and reasons different than flesh that's been awakened. He knows that kissing can lead to soul ties; after all, when we kiss a guy, we do it because we're assuming he's the "one". This means we've already made up our minds, and we've closed our hearts to hearing from God in relation to the man we've been seeing. Once I began to understand the purpose of marriage and the wiles of the enemy, I made a vow to refrain from premarital kissing. I made a vow to honor God by not only keeping my body from sinning, but keeping my mind from trying to fight off the impure thoughts that usually follow kissing.
Five Reasons Why I Refuse to Kiss Before Marriage
- David and Jonathan's souls knit just because they were close friends who loved one another. We often have soul ties with our friends, although those soul ties were not sexually established. Nonetheless, they are still soul ties. Can you imagine the strength of a soul tie established with a guy who you have befriended and assumed to be your husband, especially after a kiss? Besides, I've had to counsel women who were trying to get out of soul ties that had been established in non sexual relationships where kissing was involved.
- Assumption is the mother of rebellion. To assume that a man is your God appointed husband without first hearing back from God simply means you don't care what God says. You've made up your mind that you'll make him be the one, and God has no choice but to accept your new relationship status. Assumption often leads to soul ties and soul ties lead to rebellion. Rebellion leads to demonic access doors opening in your life.
- Even if God confirms that a man is your God-appointed husband, you could delay your marriage by years simply by lusting after that guy or causing him to lust after you. God does not want our relationships to be established on sin, nor does He want us to get married because our flesh is fired up. Sure, He encourages us to get married if we are burning (lusting) and cannot abstain, but He prefers us to wait for Him to do whatever He needs to do with us and our partners so that we can come together in the appointed season. What happens when two people who are appointed to be together come together before their due season? They enter marriage spiritually undeveloped, throwing their flesh at one another, but once they come together and try to unite their minds, they find that they are currently incompatible. They hadn't let God renewed their minds before marriage because they were so anxious to have a go at one another's flesh. After unsuccessfully trying to find some common ground outside the bedroom, they come to realize that they just weren't ready for marriage, and from there, their sex life pretty much goes downhill. In many cases, those marriages end, and the two eventually come back together years later after they've matured.
- Kissing the wrong man could delay the arrival of the right man. Do you really think God would send you the faithful man of God that He has for you when you're off somewhere swapping DNA with another dude? Let's be real here. God requires faith to work in our lives, so if you have faith that God will send your husband to you, you won't kiss every frog who you think has the potential to become a prince.
- The right man wouldn't have a problem waiting to kiss you because he's going to get to know the part of you he will spend most of his time with...that's the you who lives outside the bedroom. Your husband needs to get to know your soul without being tied to it. He needs to know your will, mind and emotions. He needs to know your strengths and weaknesses. He needs to know how to handle you, and of course, you need to know all those things about him. Kissing only distracts you from getting to know the inner man because you've started joining your lips to the outer man. No man has the right to kiss you until he's made a vow to God to cover you as his wife. No man has the right to lust after you...period! When your husband marries you, his desires for you are not called lust, they are called desires.
Nowadays, I'm surrounded by single, celibate women who love God enough to refrain from premarital sex. Yes, your love for God has to grow up before you're successfully able to refrain and remain committed to purity. I've witnessed my friends meet guys who initially appeared and claimed to be men of God, only to have those men run off when they firmly stood by their vows of purity. I've come to understand the reason for abstinence. The purpose of abstaining is not just to remain pure; God designed abstinence to run off the wrong men and make room for the right one. All the same, God warned us about evil imaginations (see 2 Corinthians 2:5), and He warned men about lusting after women (see Matthew 5:28). Of course, that warning He gave to men applies to women too, so don't celebrate just yet. I don't want my husband to lust after me. As his rib, I want him to remain perfectly fitted in God's will, so that he doesn't sin against the One I love the most: YAHWEH. At the same time, I want to remain in God's will so that I don't sin against YAHWEH either. I want my relationship with my husband to be a beautiful poem that God reads to the angels each and everyday. I want to always encourage my husband to do what's right, and this encouragement starts before marriage and continues into it. I love my husband enough to remain pure and keep myself for him, even keeping myself from him until we've committed ourselves to one another through marriage, and in the presence of two or three witnesses, with God standing in the midst. I love my husband enough to not kiss him before marriage; that way, he has something to look forward to. The courtship is not and has NEVER been about joining the flesh in any way; the purpose of the courtship is to get to know one another while you wait to hear back from God regarding your inquiry as to whether the person you're courting is your God-appointed spouse or not. If God confirms that he is the one, the next step is making it official. Once it's official, he can then kiss the bride. Love doesn't meet you at the altar; true love encourages you to stay in the will of God, even when that means sacrificing your own selfish desires to do so. God is love and He is the altar that you and your husband will go to to for confirmation before you go to man's altar for affirmation.
Of course, every woman's conviction is different, but I choose to refrain from premarital kissing because I can finally and honestly say I don't want any man but my God-appointed husband. I want the wrong man to trip over himself trying to get away from me. Plus, I want that special moment to be captured at our wedding. And more than anything, I want my Father, my Love and my Everything to be pleased with me. My decision to refrain from kissing my husband before marriage is my offering to God and my way of saying to Him that He has me now, and no man will ever come between me and my God again.