Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Separation Anxiety (In Relationships)

It was love at first sight.  One of the shelter volunteers came walking into the building carrying three beautiful puppies.  Two of them were fully black, and the other pup was brown with a blackish snout.  "What kind of dogs are they?" I asked.  I knew that the community I lived in prohibited the housing of pit bulls and pit mixes, and I didn't want to risk getting a puppy and having to bring it back to the shelter.  The volunteer smiled.  Somehow, she knew I'd be taking home one of the puppies.  "They're lab mixes," she said.  I looked at the brown puppy, and he was beautiful.  They were all beautiful, but his blackish snout made him stand out from his siblings. I was elated, but still somewhat bothered.  I was happy because I knew I was looking at the puppy who'd be with me for years to come.  I was bothered because I hadn't planned on getting a puppy; I'd planned to get a dog that was around two years old: a dog that was already house-broken.  Nevertheless, his cute little face had already won me over. 

After getting into my car, I hugged my new pup, and I began speaking comforting words to him.  I knew he was confused and he was likely afraid.  I knew that I was a stranger to him; a stranger that he had no choice but to trust.  I tried to put him into the passenger's seat, but he kept crossing back over into my lap.  My apartment was almost thirty minutes away from the shelter.  How was I going to drive with a puppy pooched across my leg?  I continued to speak lovingly to him, trying to understand what he was probably feeling, but no amount of words would get him to understand that I needed him to stay in the passenger's seat. I picked him up and hugged him once again.  "What am I going to name you?" I asked aloud as if he could answer me, and that's when I heard GOD speak.  Milo.  I was anxious to get home to see what Milo meant. Milo means merciful.

On the way home, I decided to stop by a local Petsmart, and it was there that I began to see the extent of Milo's clinginess.  I tried to let him walk beside me, but he kept crying and trying to climb my leg.  Some of the employees and customers stopped and noticed the cute, needy puppy that I was now carrying.  He was determined to be held and I felt that I had to oblige.  After all, I was a stranger to him, but in the short time he'd gotten to know me, I'd become so much more.  Even at home, Milo refused to leave my side.  He was determined to be in every room that I was in, watching everything that I was doing.
At first, Milo's behavior was somewhat cute, but as the days went on, his behavior became somewhat bothersome.  It was plain as day....My dog had separation anxiety.  Truthfully, I could understand his fear; after all, he'd been taken from his mother, placed in a shelter where he'd likely watched his siblings being taken away one by one, and finally, a stranger (myself) had come into the shelter and took him home.  All of the hugs and puppy kisses I'd given him were probably the first shows of affection he'd received since being taken away from his mother.  In other words, to him, I became his loving adoptive mother.  I was all he had, and I pitied him.  I wanted to love him past his fears and his pain, so I held him whenever he wanted to be held; I showered him with attention whenever he looked bored, and I spoke baby talk to him anytime he looked confused.

Now, let's get to you.  Studies have shown that nine out of ten American women have had or are currently engaged in premarital sex.  Those numbers do not decline when dealing with church folks because the average Christian thinks, behaves and speaks as the world does; meaning, the average Christian has not separated him or herself from the world.  Because of this, the average Christian goes through the same cycle that the world goes through: They enter into relationships, claim to be in love, has sex, plans the future with their new lovers, starts building their future with their new lovers, and goes through a painful breakup with their now former lovers.  This cycle is repeated time and time again, because most people think they can find their own spouses without the help of GOD.  They think they have to kiss a few frogs, hug a few trees, and lie down with a few dogs before they happen upon the one person they'd been looking for all along.
How much truth does one need to finally see the light?  Let's visit this fact: 99% of the men in this earth are not your GOD-ordained husbands; therefore, 99- 100% of the men you've slept with were never GOD-approved for your life.  In truth, it would be more probable that you'd win the lottery ten times over than it would that you'd find your GOD-ordained husband in sin.  Instead, anytime you head into sin, you'll emerge with a confused sinner.  And with these numbers, it is no surprise that 99% of American women have been abandoned and betrayed by their past lovers.
Abandonment or betrayal by a husband (legal or illegal) is as painful as it is life-altering.  Once a woman experiences that pain, she'll do almost anything to keep from experiencing it again.  Nevertheless, her desire to be happily married doesn't fade away; instead, every wound serves as a reason for her to justify attempting to take control of her relationships.

Show me a controlling woman, and I'll show you a woman who's been hurt and hasn't forgiven the men who've hurt her.  Because of her pain, she begins to suffer from separation anxiety.

Separation anxiety isn't just limited to animals and small children; separation anxiety affects the majority of women today (both believers and unbelievers).  That's because most women will not:
  • Wait on GOD to deliver them from their past lovers.
  • Wait on GOD to renew their minds.
  • Accept the truth: There is no shortcut around GOD'S WORD.  All shortcuts lead to Satan.
Why have you suffered with (or because of) men?  GOD did not create you to endure the hardships you've endured, but when you went outside of GOD'S will, you gave the enemy rights to your life and relationship, and the enemy used every opportunity he had to pervert your thinking through that relationship.  One of his favorite yokes to put on a woman is the spirit of fear.  The spirit of fear not only cripples a believer, but it alters their way of thinking.

When you were a virgin, you were trusting, and anytime your "boyfriend" behaved strangely, you likely didn't read into his behavior.  That's because you hadn't given him access to the deepest parts of your soul.  But after having sex with him, you likely experienced a lot of emotions and feelings you'd never experienced before; nevertheless, you still trusted him because you didn't know what it felt like to get your heart broken.  And then, the unthinkable happened.  The relationship ended, and you were left to pick up the pieces of your heart.  You endured every new revelation about your illegal estranged husband, and you suffered through the pain of knowing that your relationship (in the natural) with him was was really over, and that fact in itself was incomprehensible.
Suddenly, some new guy came along, and at first, everything seemed well.  You laughed with him, talked with him, and you told him about your past lover.  He said everything you "needed" him to say; he said everything that you "wanted" him to say, and then you decided to test the waters with your new friend.  The two of you shared your first kiss, and the more you sunk into your emotions with him, the more you came face-to-face with the truth: You were afraid of being hurt again.  With the spirit of fear, comes jealousy, low self-esteem, uncertainty, and a desire to control anyone who has access to your heart.  Maybe you didn't try to control your new lover, but you likely tried to steer that relationship in the direction you wanted it to go in.  Finally, that relationship ended and you had to face a grim reality: Just because a man says that he loves you doesn't mean that he's being truthful with himself or you.  He may have thought he loved you, only to realize that what he felt was nothing more than an attraction to you, coupled with lust and the desire to win your heart, but after he'd become familiar with you, his attraction to you began to fade.  It wasn't because you weren't beautiful or you weren't smart enough; it was likely because the hunter had bagged his prey, and now, he wanted to go after new game.  Men are hunters by nature and they are fascinated by the thrill of the hunt.  Once the prey surrenders or is bagged, however, the hunter will go on to seek new prey.  When GOD puts a marriage together, HE continues to add new wisdom, knowledge and understanding to the wife, and these things keep her husband searching for her...even though she's physically present.  
GOD will continue to add to her, and by loving her as he loves himself, her husband will seek to know her at each new level that she enters.  This will cause him to stay interested in his wife; all the while, learning from every adventure he has with her.  (Please note that men often obsessively play video games because it gives them something to hunt.  Video games are especially addictive to men who've conquered the women in their lives; men who need new prey to pursue).
As time went on, you entered one relationship behind the other, and each time you gave a man access to your heart, you found yourself living in fear of what he'd do to your heart.  One day, you realized that you'd become the woman you'd sworn you'd never be: Insecure and fearful.  Your insecurities led you to bury yourself under wigs, makeup, and big personalities that didn't belong to you, but none of those "costumes" seemed to work.  Your lovers kept abandoning and betraying you, and you felt helpless.

What you've experienced is the normal plight of a married woman; a woman who's married the wrong man (legally or illegally).  Every time you join yourself with a man, you start thinking, behaving and reasoning as a wife....because you ARE a wife!  But if the pangs of life have perverted your mind, you will think as a perverted wife; meaning, your thinking will be altered, and instead of building up your marriage, you will tear it down.
Proverbs 14:1 (NLT): A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.
Understand that those fears stem from what is commonly known as "separation" anxiety, and those fears are usually the evidence of unresolved heartbreaks and unsevered soul ties.  You're still married to the men you've lain with in your past; that is, unless you've truly repented for those unions, and asked the LORD to sever (divorce) those unions.
Genesis 2:24: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Anytime we join ourselves to a man, we become one flesh with him (soul tie), but anytime we join ourselves to GOD, we become one spirit with HIM.  
1 Corinthians 6:17: But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.

Whenever you are joined to a man in the flesh, you become that man's wife, and no man can separate that union; only GOD can.  This means that you have to repent (turn away from) every sin you've committed and every illegal union you've entered.  It goes without saying, however, that the average woman hasn't fully turned away from her past lovers.  Sure, those relationships may be declared as "broken up" but the soul tie is very much still present, and this can be seen in:
  • Her jealousy of any and every woman that her previous lover engages with....
  • Her anger towards her previous lover...
  • If children were born in that union, her decision to use her children as instruments to control, hurt, manipulate or anger her previous lover...
Because she's still "turned to" her previous lovers, any and every new man in her life will not join her in a new union; instead, they will be add-ons to her previous unions.  She'll be distrusting, fearful and anxious because she's still married to her past lovers and the problems that came with them.  Anytime her current love interest takes too much time or too much distance away from her, the spirit of fear will begin to manifest in her.  Every man who showers her with love and attention will become her whole world, and she will not want to leave their sides.  

The truth is: More than likely, she's NEVER experienced what it is like to be truly loved (unconditionally) by a man.  
She's only experienced lust, infatuation, obsession and envy.  She's experienced what it was like to be sexed, charmed and helped financially, but she hasn't experienced true love.  Because she's never experienced true love, she'll latch on to any man who pretends to love her.  She will be clingy, needy and anxious.

As her fears grow, so does her insecurities.  As her insecurities grow, her relationships grow shorter, and her self-esteem continues to plummet.  After a few heartbreaks, she decides to take full control of her life, and she begins to separate from GOD all the more.  Her soul begins to cry out for her estranged lovers, and her spirit begins to cry out for her first love: GOD, but because she doesn't know what she needs, she continues to search for men who can make her feel better about herself.  Nevertheless, there is no man big enough to fill that GOD-sized hole in her heart, but she doesn't know this, so she keeps saying that she needs a real man. (Side note: If you stick a man with a needle and he bleeds, he's as real as they come).
As time passes, her children come to an unspoken understanding that Mommy is looking for a daddy for them, and after (or if) he arrives, their lives will be made so much better.  They too began to idolize the idea of their mother getting married, but as her sons get older and began to understand men more, they become more protective of her; all the while, inwardly resenting her for exposing them to her previous lovers.  Her daughters follow her lead, entering into hopeless relationships hopeful that those relationships will work out.  Just like their mother, to them, love is nothing more than a gamble that some people win and some people lose, and they're determined to win.  That is...until they too began to suffer from separation anxiety, and the cycle continues.
Satan likes to make us "chase our tails" because we'll become so distracted by our own lustful desires that we'll lose focus on GOD.  When you become so full of yourself (pride) and distracted by what you want (covetousness), you'll erect yourself as your own god, and you'll attempt to give JEHOVAH the back seat of your life.  Needless to say, if HE can be behind the wheel of your choices, HE won't be riding with you.
GOD wants to deliver you from all of your past hurts as well as those soul ties, but you have to completely surrender your whole heart to HIM.  When you do, HE will stop the cycle that you keep getting caught up in, and HE will teach you what it means to be HIS daughter.  You can't be the wife of a Godly man until you've become GOD'S daughter.  You don't have to keep living in fear of being hurt, abandoned or betrayed.  All you have to do is get in the will of GOD, and let GOD deliver, restore, and prepare you for the man HE'S had for you all along.  Don't end up becoming too clingy with any and every man that enters your life.  Simply hold onto GOD'S unchanging hand and let HIM change your mind.  That's when HE will send you a husband after HIS own heart; a man who is trustworthy, faithful, and GOD fearing.  That's when you'll begin to understand the reason for the wait.


  1. I love this teaching I think God for leading me to this very true solid teaching

  2. I am thankful God is renewing my mind. I don't need anything holding me back anymore!! Thank you