Saturday, October 25, 2014

You Cannot Change Him....So Stop

As of lately, I've been watching a series called The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  In this series, a fifteen year old girl (Amy) gets pregnant by a troubled young boy named Ricky.  Ricky had been in foster care most of his life, having had a mother who was addicted to drugs and alcohol, and a father who'd molested him when he was younger.  Because of his hardships, Ricky was a promiscuous teenager and a smooth talker.  He'd charmed Amy in band camp, and had taken her virginity, and this resulted in an unplanned pregnancy.   The show starts off with Amy discovering that she's pregnant, and then, the show flashes back to when Amy and Ricky met, and how he'd charmed her.  The show then goes forward to show the evolution of Ricky and Amy's relationship.  Somehow, I think the writers initially wanted to discourage teen pregnancy, but got lost in the ratings somewhere and started actually encouraging it.

At first, Ricky and Amy didn't have a romantic relationship.  Amy was just another girl Ricky had slept with.  In the beginning, the show portrays Amy as angry that she's found herself in a situation where she was about to become a single, teenage mother, and viewers get to see her struggles to accept her pregnancy, and finally, tell her parents.  As the show progresses, Amy finally gives birth to her and Ricky's son, and after he's cast episode after episode as a playboy, lying with anything on two legs, he's finally ready to settle down with Amy.  Amy pressures him, telling him her desires to get married one day, and he finally caves in and proposes to her.
Ricky is then portrayed as a man changed by the love of a woman, and viewers are left to lose themselves in the beliefs that they too can change a bad boy simply by loving him...oh, and maybe fornicating with him and having his child...Yep, that ought to do it (insert sarcasm here).  I cringe to think of the many women who have watched this show and been encouraged to hold on to their own personal bad boys, or even worse, the ones who are now at somebody's club trying to reel somebody's misguided son in.

As I was watching this series, I found myself revisiting my old way of thinking.  I thought about a time when I too thought that I could change a man through love, tears, and many words.  Thinking like that led me into a marriage where I was abused, cheated on, and mistreated.  I tried to save a victim, only to become a victim.  If I can, I want to stop you from falling into this very-same snare.

Here are a few lies the enemy likely told you:
  1. You can change him with your love.  He's never been loved before.  He has been and is loved!  He's been loved by GOD all along, but he refuses to embrace the love of GOD because he's comfortable in his sin and his mindset.  If he won't change for GOD, he won't change for you.  If he does make some changes to his life, and he gives himself to you before giving himself to GOD, you may very well become an idol to him.  You should never want to take GOD'S place in a man's heart, and if you do, please understand that what he'll have for you won't be love, it'll be dangerous, idolatrous obsession.  If you allow yourself to be placed ahead of GOD, you'd better make sure that you're bulletproof and invisible.  Men who are obsessed with the women in their lives are spiritually broken, naturally dependent, emotionally unstable idolators who shouldn't be allowed to own firearms.
  2. If you stick with him, he'll change, and one day, he'll become a great man.  (This is the part where you start envisioning him on a stage, holding a microphone after having achieved some great honor)It is then that he'll announce his love and appreciation for you to the whole wide world.  Out of all the women who's had the humiliation honor of calling him their boyfriend, you're that special one who'll get to call him husband.  Do this and you'll find yourself being an honorary fool, and the only trophies you'll have to show for "your" man is a black eye, a few restraining orders, and some pretty impressive investigative skills.
  3. Girl, that man loves you, despite what anyone says.  No one knows what he says to you when he's alone with you.  No one knows what y'all have been through together.  No one, other than yourself, saw him crying when he was begging you to stay, professing that everyone he has ever loved has left him.  (Please note that the text in bold, black letters is the enemy talking.  Please don't find hope in those words).  It's pretty amazing how we, as women, can build little mental forts, and create our own worlds in those lies, only inviting people in who support our misguided thinking.  In these fools' paradises, liars magically become good men, and the lies they tell become misunderstood truths.  In these warped realities, the truth is a well-disguised, raging monster who's out to get us.  In these paradises, anyone who comes against our relationships are nothing but jealous-hearted devils (haters) who envy our positions.  After all, having a busted lip and a promiscuous man is enviable somewhere, right?  Maybe in some small village on the outskirts of stupidity.
  4. You've already slept with him; you might as well stick it out.  That's like saying you've already been in might as well go to prison.  To purposely sin against GOD is called rebellion, and the Bible tells us that rebellion is a sin of witchcraft.  The Bible also tells us that fornication is a sin against one's own body.  When you enter rebellion and start sinning against yourself, you'll slowly but surely find out just how much the devil hates you.
  5. She (me and whoever else warns you) doesn't know your personal situation, and therefore, is your enemy.  The Bible calls JESUS the Truth.  The Bible also calls Satan the father of all lies.  Whenever lies inhabit a woman, she'll be comfortable with lies because the enemy has created a mental war zone in her mind where she's protected by lies, but attacked by the truth.  For this reason, a woman who loves her dark reality will often consider the messengers of CHRIST as her enemies.  After all, they're trying to rescue her from the devils she's grown to love.  How dare they?
  6. If you are the woman who bags him, after all those women who've tried, you will win some kind of invisible award, and you'll be the envy of all of your friends.  You'll be his queen; he'll be your king, and everyone else will be your audience.  The only crown you'll wear when dating a foolish man is a dunce's hat.  Let's be responsible adults and tell ourselves the truth: You can't win a loser.
  7. You're special.  Out of all the women who've been with him, he's chosen you as his dummy main girl.  Because he's chosen you, go forth and collect your prize; you're a winner!  <Lights flash, hail-sized confetti falls, and Satan falls out laughing>.  First off, who wants to be a main girl?  Wouldn't you prefer to be the only girl?  Secondly, what's the consolation prize for a woman who's in a relationship with or married to a man who's in submission to the devil?  A one-way ticket to Satan's house, and the chance to preview hell while living in the realm of the earth?  Tell yourself the truth.  There's nothing special about being stupid, and stupid has three ranks: stupid, stupider and stupidest.  Please don't try to win that contest.

Now, that we've taken a mental stroll through the lies the enemy tells, let's visit some truths.  Here are ten truths to consider:
  1. A broken woman is attracted to broken men because she believes that she can rescue and heal some man, and in return, he will heal her.  The devil is a liar.
  2. Change is uncomfortable because it rips us out of our comfortable realities, and forces us to walk in seasons of uncertainty until we seek, find and embrace the truth.  Therefore, a person who is not ready to change will always become offended with someone who's trying to force change upon them.  At the same time, when a man enters a relationship, he's not entering that relationship to be changed; he's entering it because he's found someone who he wants to be his unchanged self with.
  3. You had to go through many seasons of change to get to where you are now.  It's not fair for you to get with an unchanged man, and then, try to change him.  Change is an act of will, and if GOD does not force HIS will upon us, we should never attempt to force our will upon others.
  4. If he's not already changed by the renewing of his mind, chances are, he's not your GOD-ordained husband, or if he is your husband, it's not your season to have him.
  5. When the enemy sends a man into your life, his goal is to get that man to establish a soul tie with you, so while you're trying to find out what's wrong with the man (so you can heal him), that man will explore everything that's wrong with you (so he can break you).
  6. You don't have the tools or the capabilities to fix a broken soul.  Only the WORD of GOD will change a man, and he has to willfully pursue GOD persistently and consistently to be restored.
  7. If you're still looking for fixer-uppers, you're not ready to be found.  Take this time to be healed, have your mind renewed, and find your peace inside of your purpose.
  8. Broken men often see women as stepping stools designed to help them elevate to better lifestyles and better women.
  9. Broken men, or men who have not been transformed by the renewing of their minds (baby Christians) are naturally selfish until they've been spiritually changed.
  10. You may see marriage as a trial offer, but GOD created the institution of marriage; it is to be respected, for it is a holy union.  In other words, you can't just marry someone just to see if it'll work out.  You need to be sure that the man who you approach the altar with is your GOD-appointed spouse, otherwise, you'll treat marriage the same way the world treats marriage: like a drive-thru.
While watching The Secret Life of An American Teenager, I saw the mentality of so many women today.  So many women are loving men who don't have the capacity to love them back.  So many women are learning to adapt to the prisons they've created for themselves, and all they want in return is a few helpings of love each and everyday.  They have to settle for passionate lust, ominous obsession, and empty words.  What's sad is so many women get comfortable in these mindsets, and pain becomes their realities.  Believe it or not, many women find comfort in pain because they've had to live in it for so long.  If their beaus were to pour gasoline on them, they'd find comfort in the fact that he didn't light a match, and for that, they'd say that he loves them.  If their beaus were to slap them down a flight of stairs, they'd find joy in the fact that he followed them downstairs to make sure they were okay.  To them, this is love.

What if you're that woman?  First and foremost, please know that even though I may insert a little wit and humor into this posting, being with the wrong man is not in the least bit funny.  I have walked more than a mile in your shoes, only to arrive at the very truth that I'd denied myself for far too long: I'm not GOD, so I can't change a man.  I've worn the dunce's hat, the crown of stupidity, and the humiliation associated with being the main dummy.  (Let's call it what it is so people can see themselves outside of the lies they've told themselves).  You cannot change that man; you'll either have to accept him as he is or walk away from that relationship, but he's not going to change for you.  If he does change, it'll be a decision he's made for GOD, and if this were to ever happen, chances are, his mind would be renewed and he wouldn't want to be with you anymore because you would represent his old way of thinking.  Men don't ordinarily take women from one mindset to another; instead, they leave lost women behind as they attempt to find themselves and women like their renewed selves.  If you accept him as he is, you have to accept all that comes with him: the lies, the other women, the abuse, the laziness, and anything he has to offer.  You will also need to accept the fact that should he become a better man, he'll likely walk away from you.  In other words, he will only share the worst of what he is with you, but should he become better, you will become a history lesson.

Please know this:
  1. GOD loves you.  That should be enough for you, but if you don't know HIM well, you cannot and will not love HIM, nor will you understand the depth of HIS love for you.  For this reason, I encourage you to get closer to the LORD.  Read your Bible each and everyday, and be sure to talk with GOD several times everyday.
  2. You are valuable.  Life has beat on so many women, and many have come to believe that outside of a man, they're worthless.  GOD loves you, and HE values you so much that HE woke you up today, and HE'S even led you to this posting.  HE wants you to know that you devalue yourself because you've placed value on the wrong things and the wrong people.  Let HIM renew your mind, so that you can see how valuable you are to HIM.
  3. You can only change you, because you have the will to change you, but you don't have his will to change him.  You may have the desire to change him, but his will belongs to him, and he'll use it however he pleases.
  4. It's not too late to walk away from that man and that mindset.  If you happen to be in a relationship with a man who's not GOD'S best for you, you don't have to stay in that relationship.  If GOD told you to walk away, walk away.  If GOD told you to flee, run as fast as you can.  A lot of women stay with evil, misguided men because they have children with those men, and they've come to believe that they are supposed to stick with the father of their children.  Ishmael was Abraham's son, but Abraham didn't stick with Hagar.
  5. That man is not your cross, so stop trying to carry him.  Yes, CHRIST told us to take up our crosses and follow HIM, and many women are trying to carry their men (and all of their issues) to CHRIST.  You couldn't even carry yourself to CHRIST: HE drew your heart (invited you in), and you accepted the invitation.  That man has to be drawn to CHRIST by CHRIST, and then, he has to accept the invitation as well.  Making him your plus one at church will not force GOD to let you keep him.  You cannot sneak him into the Pearly Gates, nor can you open a window in Heaven to let him climb into.
So, ladies, if you run across a character like Ricky, ask the LORD how and if you should minister to him, and leave it at that.  He's not a stray dog that you can catch with your goodies, bring to your house, clean him up, put a leash on him and drag him to church with you.

If and when he does come to CHRIST, it'll be a decision he's made; not a decision you've made for him.  All the same, if you get with a man before he's saved, GOD just may clean him up and save him from you.  If you get with a man before he's been changed, he may just embrace a transformed mind, and change his mind about you.  You have to let GOD renew your thinking, and position you to be found by your GOD-appointed husband, so you can stop trying to pick up strays and drag them to your version of obedience school (church).

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